Yesterday we had Arrow‘s rather stellar report card. I was not expecting the points it got there. Like, at all. And now it’s another night, so we have another report card. Funny enough, parent teacher conferences are going on around here and my brother has his final’s week. Grades are definitely due to be in.
Again, I realize that Beauty and the Beast is doing really poorly in the ratings, and with The Carrie Diaries‘ unexpected popularity, will probably be canned. That doesn’t mean I’m not loving it and enjoying the mancandy.
To repeat, there are some rule amendments that had to be made, as well as some qualifications.
- Opening sequences do not count. They’re like free points and are thus completely worthless if they’re both getting them each episode.
- Every man counts. Yes, most of the points will be accrued by the main male lead, but still. Share the love. It’s not just the sexy main character that we’re watching. And the secondary characters are just as capable of gaining points as the male leads.
Beauty and the Beast‘s Report Card
SCENE SPECIFIC GRADES:
- Number of shirtless scenes: 1 point per minute, 2x points if ripped off in coitus or in battle
I had to up the point value to 10 points per minute. Turns out this is a lot harder to achieve than I thought. Plus, isn’t this what we’re all here for anyways?
With 3.83 minutes of shirtless Jay Ryan, giving Beauty and the Beast 38 points to start. Not a strong start, my friend. We will have to work harder. I was expecting a lot higher numbers on this one. I was completely convinced that they were higher. I think it’s because his shirts are glued to his chest, which will give him bonus points later. Also, most of them were acrued in a single scene that lasted over a minute, which Oliver Queen most definitely can’t boast. Hopefully the clothing will be enough to combat this pretty major setback.
- Number of times a male flexes or exerts himself exercising: 1 point per scene, shirtless exercise 2x points
4 points. Really? Dude, you need to do something about this. Yes, I know that you are super buff and beautiful, but I need proof that you are working out and exercising to maintain that fantastic physique. Preferably shirtless.
- Number of times he is kicking ass and taking names:1 point per scene, 2x if shirtless
7 points. I don’t know if I should qualify this as a good thing or a bad thing. I love that Catherine is such a strong female lead and doesn’t always need rescuing. I think she may have scored more points here than Vincent. But this doesn’t mean that it’s not hurting his score. Vincent, you are loosing on the badass scale.
- Amount of romance scenes: 3 points per scene (5 if he’s shirtless) I had to remove the spicy, since it became kinda clear that neither of these shows were going to get that one very early on. UST is apparently VERY “in.”
63 points. Holy. Crap. Seriously, there is at least one touching romantic scene in every episode. Every. Single. One. Usually at least two or three. My cheese-o-meter is going to break from all the UST!
- Number of scenes where the male is wet from rain or other liquids: 1 point per scene, 2x for shirtless
0 points. To which I repeat what I stated for Arrow: SERIOUSLY?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE! WET T-SHIRT CONTESTS ARE NOT JUST FOR WOMEN TO PARTICIPATE IN YOU KNOW! I object.
- Number of scenes where the male is holding or accompanying a cute fuzzy animal or small child (while slightly controversial in the scientific community, guys with a sensitive side is usually considered hot): 1 point per scene
1 point. This is not the best. I mean, Vincent was a doctor. And while I did have some exploding ovaries when he was taking care of some small children, we could do better. Dude needs a pet. Or maybe Catherine could get a pet! I can see it now…
- Number of dramatic poses the male has in the show: 1 points per scene
4 points. Again, not the best. We can do a lot better. Also, what is with the hidden dramatic poses? If he is being dramatic, than I need to see it! Superheroes all over the world are objecting at your determination to obfuscate your superiority!
- Tantrums/outbursts:Minus 3 points per scene (because dude, that’s just not sexy)
-15 points. Vincent, get your shit together. It is not cool for you to whine and bitch about your circumstances all the time. Chicks just don’t dig it. You come across like a wimp, and that just won’t do.
- Saying something to damage a relationship: 3 points per scene (because that’s how dudes role)
33 points. You have tied with Arrow here. Maybe this is more of a CW issue than a program issue, because these men are really good at screwing up. The fact that they were almost all from Vincent is probably saying something. Don’t know what it is, but you’re definitely saying something.
- Scenes in which they are hiding the pain they are in or emotional feelings: 5 points per scene (emotions are for girls!)
25 points. So you may not be a rock like Oliver Queen, but Vincent Keller, you have got to open up more. We really do care about how you’re feeling. Just make sure that it’s not whining. That’s just not cool.
- Actions being done for a damsel in distress: 3 points per scene
15 points. Seriously? You can do so much better than this. I understand that Catherine is a strong badass female. That doesn’t mean that you can’t go in there and rescue her. She may not like it, and it will probably make things worse, but you should do better.
- Scenes of vulnerability: 2 points per scene(It is good to show feelings. Women like vulnerability. Really! We do!)
42 points. Wow, Vincent. I don’t know if I should call this oversharing or not. You’re like a beaten puppy that people keep kicking when they pass you on the streets. That hurts man. No wonder you whine so much. Your life sucks.
- Wearing a suit or tuxedo: 1 point per suit scene, 2 points per tuxedo (because it’s sexy, duh.)
2 points. This needs fixing, but I’m not sure how that’s realistically going to happen. I mean, he’s trying to be inconspicuous. What’s more inconspicuous than dressing up as a bum with really tight shirts?
Number of attractive men:
- Rate each individual major male star and add them up and compare the score: 5 point scale of hotness added per male individual’s score.
Vincent Keller: 5 points. I think it’s the hair. And the fantastic body, and the brooding. All-around winner.
Evan Marks: 5 points. I love this guy. Sexy doctor with an accent (Which I can’t actually place, which is really upsetting. Where in England are you from?!). Really? Was there any question? Catherine is just surrounded by the mancandy.
J.T. Forbes: 3 points. I want to give J.T. more points, but I know that it’s just not being fair. I love J.T. I want to give him hugs and never let him go and just love him forever and ever. He’s totes adorbs. Plus, he gets nerd points. Nerd points count very high in these things. How else do you think Evan got a 5?!
Joe Bishop: 4 points. I loved you in Moonlight, and it’s incredibly entertaining how straight-laced he is, but he’s married. You loose points for already being off the market. I’m sorry, but it just couldn’t be helped.
- Count the number of implied love triangles: 2 points per love triangle link (If there is relationship potential or someone likes someone, it counts)
6 points. Evan-Catherine-Vincent. Sorry, but you could really do much better. There isn’t enough stupid and unnecessary jealousy going on here.
- How tightfitting the male’s clothes are. Particularly in the chest, butt, and groin regions:10 point overall score
10/10 points. Seriously, you could not wear tighter clothing. I know that he does sport the baggy jacket, but underneath it is shrink wrap. And wifebeaters (at least they’re not white!). This is completely why I thought that Beauty and the Beast had more shirtless screen time. His clothes are just that tight I almost didn’t notice.
- A lesser note is how well the male’s hair style survives various action prone incidents: Bonus 3 points for well coiffed hair
3 points. Vincent takes care of his tresses, that’s for sure. Not some crappy buzz cut like Oliver. He might have even gotten bonus points if he had something to bring to the table. Sadly, Vincent has you beat here.
- Overall hotness score: 10 points, up to 5 extra bonus points for scars
9/10 points + 4 bonus points for scars. I know that it’s stupid, but I love the scar on his face. It’s just ridiculous enough to make me swoon. I’m easily distracted, can you tell?
Total Scene Specific Points: 219
Total General Points: 49
TOTAL POINTS: 268
Well done Beauty and the Beast. You had a struggling start, but being so in touch with your feelings gave you the points necessary to put up a really good fight. This is averaging over 30 points an episode, at almost a point a minute, and making ladies everywhere love you even more. I know you probably won’t be able to show off your sexy next season, but I am LOVING all you have for me now. In fact…
By 3 POINTS, Beauty and the Beast beats Arrow in the Mancandy Competition! WOW! That was hard! I didn’t think it was going to be this close! But they pulled stronger points in different areas. If the stoic badass is more your thing, than Arrow is definitely the way to go. If the romance and the emotions are more your thing, Beauty and the Beast is most definitely for you. So each one is pretty good in it’s own right, but Beauty and the Beast is managing a few more exploding ovaries than Arrow. It’s okay, Ollie. You have your other strengths. The sexy times just may not be one of them.
That was lots of fun. I will definitely be doing that again. Hope you had fun staring at shirtless men and will continue to do so in the future. Objectifying men is a lot more fun than I thought it would be. Maybe that’s why men do it so often with women…
Again, see how each episode scores for you and let me know what you got in the comments or message me @MerryMedia on Twitter!