I’ve decided, after looking at how long the rules are, that I should probably make this a twoparter. Today we will have the results of Arrow‘s first 9 episodes, and tomorrow we will have Beauty and the Beast‘s report card. We are only counting Fall episodes to keep things fair. I know that Beauty and the Beast has been doing really poorly with the ratings and probably won’t be picked up for another season, thus making this kinda a moot point, but I’m doing it anyways. Plus, it was fun to watch them both over again.
Also, I had to amend the rules a bit, and add some qualifications:
- Opening sequences do not count. They’re like free points and are thus completely worthless if they’re both getting them each episode.
- Every man counts. Yes, most of the points will be accrued by the main male lead, but still. Share the love. It’s not just the sexy main character that we’re watching. And the secondary characters are just as capable of gaining points as the male leads.
Also, there are some rules added that were not in the initial rules that I forgot to include. And some point value adjustments.
Arrow‘s Report Card
SCENE SPECIFIC GRADES:
- Number of shirtless scenes: 1 point per minute, 2x points if ripped off in coitus or in battle
I had to up the point value to 10 points per minute. Turns out this is a lot harder to achieve than I thought. Plus, isn’t this what we’re all here for anyways?
With 6.32 minutes of shirtless Stephen Amell, Arrow gets 63 points. That is averaging a little over 42 seconds of shirtlessness per episode. Way to go Arrow. I’m impressed. The sad part here, is that no double points were achieved. NO BONUS POINTS! What?! Do better! Also, most of these moments are very short, which is a total buzz-kill. I’m talking like 20 second increments. Sad. Panda.
- Number of times a male flexes or exerts himself exercising: 1 point per scene, shirtless exercise 2x points
15 points. Most of these points were achieved while shirtless, so keep this in mind. He’s not exercising as much as he should, just as much as necessary. One thing is obviously very clear by this. He works out.
- Number of times he is kicking ass and taking names:1 point per scene, 2x if shirtless
14 points. He’s pretty good at that. At least once, usually twice, he is taking down bad guys. You protect that Starling City, Oliver Queen!
- Amount of romance scenes: 3 points per scene (5 if he’s shirtless) I had to remove the spicy, since it became kinda clear that neither of these shows were going to get that one very early on. UST is apparently VERY “in.”
11 points. Not bad, but most of these are done by Ollie’s good friends Tommy and Laurel, so I’m not incredibly impressed by this. Oliver Queen is looking pretty heartless, and waaay too stone-cold killer.
- Number of scenes where the male is wet from rain or other liquids: 1 point per scene, 2x for shirtless
1 point. SERIOUSLY?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE! WET T-SHIRT CONTESTS ARE NOT JUST FOR WOMEN TO PARTICIPATE IN YOU KNOW! I object.
- Number of scenes where the male is holding or accompanying a cute fuzzy animal or small child (while slightly controversial in the scientific community, guys with a sensitive side is usually considered hot): 1 point per scene
0 points. Oliver, you need a dog. Or a token small child. Seriously dude. Fix this. My ovaries are not exploding from your being around cute small things and they should be.
- Number of dramatic poses the male has in the show: 1 points per scene
6 points. Not very high. I was expecting a lot more. Sadly, most of them are in shadow and we can’t really tell that Ollie is rocking a fantastic dramatic pose and he gets no points. Not cool.
- Tantrums/outbursts:Minus 3 points per scene (because dude, that’s just not sexy)
-9 points. Not too bad. Oliver Queen knows how to control his emotions. Also made notable by the fact that he has like no romantic engagements. Like at all. Also by the fact that his family thinks he’s a jerk because he’s not sharing.
- Saying something to damage a relationship: 3 points per scene (because that’s how dudes role)
33 points. Wow. The men of Arrow are really good at frakking up relationships. But that also makes for good television, so I can’t fault them that one too much. In fact, this number should be higher. You are not invested enough in screwing up the relationships you are in. Ollie, you should probably fix this.
- Scenes in which they are hiding the pain they are in or emotional feelings: 5 points per scene (emotions are for girls!)
30 points. Congratulations, Oliver Queen, you have the emotions of a rock. You should probably fix that.
- Actions being done for a damsel in distress: 3 points per scene
18 points. Not bad, but you could definitely do better. Laurel could use some more saving. Or maybe she should be in more dangerous positions. Speedy too. Just because I like her. She fights the system by being a part of it. Way to go Thea!
- Scenes of vulnerability: 2 points per scene(It is good to show feelings. Women like vulnerability. Really! We do!)
28 points. I was not expecting this. Really. Although again most of these are from Tommy, so this is not THAT great of a score. Oliver, you could learn a little from Tommy.
- Wearing a suit or tuxedo: 1 point per suit scene, 2 points per tuxedo (because it’s sexy, duh.)
8 points. Not bad, but we can always do better. We need more formal events for men to dress up. And wear ties. We like ties. Ties are really just there to tempt me to take them off. And it is very tempting.
- Number of attractive men: Rate each individual major male star and add them up and compare the score: 5 point scale of hotness added per male individual’s score.
Oliver Queen: 5 points. Come on. That man is grand. The fact that he walks around with a 5 o’clock shadow most of the time only makes things better.
Tommy Merlyn: 4 points. He’s grand, but a little bit of a wuss. Lost points for being a pussy.
John Diggle: 4 points. He’s too good of a person to get a full 5 points. Lost points for not brooding.
Detective Quentin Lance: 5 points. I have a soft spot for Paul Blackthorne. Like a huge one. Ever since he was Harry Dresden. I can’t help it. It’s a problem.
Walter Steele: 4 points. Sexy businessman. But I’m not seeing any badassery, so he only gets 4 points.
- Count the number of implied love triangles: 2 points per love triangle link (If there is relationship potential or someone likes someone, it counts)
8 points. Helena-Oliver-Laurel-Tommy-Thea. Not bad. Definitely know how to get the drama stirring!
- How tightfitting the male’s clothes are. Particularly in the chest, butt, and groin regions:10 point overall score
7 points. You could do better. I’m not awkwardly staring at your chest and groin trying to discern if I can see things that I actually can’t but am convinced are totally there.
- A lesser note is how well the male’s hair style survives various action prone incidents:Bonus 3 points for well coiffed hair
0 points. Sorry dude, but you have like no hair to coif. No bonus points.
- Overall hotness score: 10 points, up to 5 extra bonus points for scars
9/10 points + 1 bonus point for chest scars. They would be higher, but we don’t get to see them often enough. SHOW ME MORE!
Total Scene Specific Points: 218
Total General Points: 47
TOTAL POINTS: 265
That is a very good score, Arrow. I’m impressed. You are averaging almost 30 points per episode. That’s almost a point a minute! Well done! Clearly, Oliver Queen has no emotions, but he’s very sexy while doing it, so I’m not complaining too much.
Tomorrow we will have Beauty and the Beast‘s score. I haven’t tallied everything up yet, but some of the points might surprise you! Again, see how each episode scores for you and let me know what you got in the comments or message me @MerryMedia on Twitter!